Introvert-extrovert relationships can be wonderful and satisfying,
but they definitely require communication and compromise, which is one
thing they have in common with, oh, every other kind of relationship in existence. Here are some tips for keeping your introvert-extrovert relationship running smoothly:
1. Define your needs. This means you have to be
much more specific than “I feel like going out.” “Well, I don't.” Why do
you want to go out? Are you craving fresh air? A change of scenery? Is
there a specific event you want to attend or person you want to see? Why
do you want to stay in? Are you physically tired? Engrossed in a task?
Not up to dealing with crowds? When you establish exactly what you want
out of going out or staying in, it's often possible to find an activity
that suits both your needs. If your objective is to stay on your own
turf and your partner's is to get to know her BFF's new boyfriend, maybe
you can satisfy everyone by having the two of them over for beers and
board games.
2. Define your boundaries. We're complicated
animals; it's rarely as simple as “I'm an introvert, I hate other
people” or “I'm an extrovert, I hate being alone.” There are probably
specific circumstances that make crowds or solitude easier or harder for
you to deal with. What are they? My partner particularly dislikes
groups of people who all know each other and are unwelcoming to
newcomers; a crowd where no one knows anyone or a small gathering of
intimate friends is preferable. I don't like being alone with nothing to
do, because then I just waste time on the Internet until I get a
tension headache from staring at a screen, but planned downtime with a
movie, a book, or a long walk is wonderful. Knowing what's a “maybe” and
what's a “hard no” for your partner makes it easier to find middle
ground.
3. Make quality time count. One-on-one time
together is crucial for any romance, but introverts and extroverts often
have different ideas of what that should look like. What makes you feel
connected to your partner? Snuggling up in front of a classic movie?
Going on a long bike ride together? Hours of gymnastic,
neighbor-annoying sex? Don't assume the answer is the same for everyone —
you may be feeling like, “We never do anything together,” while your
partner thinks you’re in paradise because there’s nothing better than
reading your separate books side-by-side every evening. Talk about what
both of you need to make your time together feel like a valuable and
refreshing break.
4. Be thoughtful about how you introduce your partner to friends. If you're dating
someone who values deep, intimate connections but is stressed out by
short, casual interactions with lots of people, don't throw a huge party
as a way of introducing your love to your work, grad school, college,
and book club buddies in one fell swoop. Your introvert partner is not
going to adore every single person in your life, so prioritize! Decide
who your sweetheart really needs to get along with, and work to
nurture the most important relationships. When we first started dating,
I planned relaxing, low-pressure hangouts making dinner and watching
movies with my beloved and my BFF, and they bonded in a way they never
would have if I'd introduced them at a karaoke bar. (Caveat: If you plan
one-on-one time with a different buddy every night of the week, it is
neither relaxing nor low-key, and your introvert will not thank you for
it.)
5. Develop new friendships together. There's a good
chance that if you're in an introvert-extrovert relationship, your
extrovert brought along a broad network of friends and casual
acquaintances, while your introvert came equipped with only a few very
close friends. This leads to a fun spiral: extrovert wants to go out
with friends, extrovert drags introvert along, introvert feels left out,
introvert avoids social engagements, thus failing to become friends
with extrovert's friend group and making future socialization less and
less likely. If you can find an activity that lets you both meet new
people at the same time (Book club? Karaoke? Ballroom dancing?), it can
be easier to form a social circle in which you both feel comfortable —
while still, of course, maintaining your friendships from before you got
together. Actually, if you can manage it, I really recommend the tactic
my partner and I tried, which was to move to a new state together after
nine months of dating. We restarted our social lives on equal footing and now have several close friends we both love spending time with.
6. There is more than one way to compromise!
Sometimes compromise means we do something that's in between the things
we both want to do, like getting together with a small group of friends
instead of going to a huge party, or staying in and reading. Sometimes
it means we do my thing tonight and your thing next weekend. Sometimes
it means one person goes out and the other stays in (Special note to
lesbians: It's perfectly fine to do this once in a while, and it doesn't
mean your relationship is in trouble, I swear!). Nine out of 10 people
will tell you that the secret to a good relationship is compromise (the
10th will mention vibrating cock rings), but bear in mind that it's
equally important to define the kind of compromise that will work best in a given situation.
7. When you get your way, make sure to check in with your partner. Is your extrovert bored out of her skull during this Orange Is the New Black
marathon? Is your introvert overwhelmed and stressed out at this
concert? Communication isn't something you do once in a while; it should
be ongoing. Abandoning your sweetie in a situation outside his or her
comfort zone is never cool. I met my partner by striking up a
conversation when her date left her alone and uncomfortable at a
Halloween party full of people she didn't know. Pay attention to your
introvert's needs, people, especially if your introvert is really,
really attractive. If you don't, trust me, someone else out there will!
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