5 Important Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Getting Into Bed

Let's be honest: Life is a whole lot more complicated these days. That goes for our sex lives as well. Long gone are the days when the most prevalent question asked before a tryst between consenting adults was "Will you respect me in the morning?" Ah, if only things were so simple.

Today, sex is as popular as ever, ranging from long-standing relationships to one-night flings. But "carnal knowledge" still comes with a whole host of personal and physical issues, many of them posing considerable health risks. From "open marriages" to "friends with benefits" to myriad sexually transmitted diseases, coupling -- or at least the circumstances surrounding the act -- has become infinitely more problematic.

So, while asking personal, and even intimate questions, may not be ideal for the romantic mood, it's the responsible thing to do. And responsibility comes with the territory of being an adult. If you're not conscientious, the consequences can be prickly at best, and severe -- even potentially life-threatening -- at worst.

First of all, are you really single?

The image of a frenzied, psychopathic Glenn Close as Michael Douglas's spurned lover in "Fatal Attraction" had a generation of men thinking twice (or more) about their dalliances outside the home. Yet infidelity is still rampant, according to most reputable sources, even if the figures are wildly erratic. Clearly, celebrities and politicians have raised cheating to an art form, but what about the rest of us?

Most studies place the percentage of cheating spouses anywhere between 15 and 70 percent [source: Bowman]. A University of Texas study put the figure between 40 and 76 percent [source: Buss]. A March 2008 poll by USA

Today reported that half of Americans knew someone who cheated on their spouse, a rate twice that of a similar 1964 poll [source: Jayson].

Don't expect your partner to advertise that he or she is actually still hitched. Deception is the very root of betrayal, and wedding rings and family photographs are easily concealed. Unless your partner is a veteran philanderer -- or a very good liar -- an honest and direct question can usually tip you off to his or her marital (or current relationship) status.

Once you've got your answer, of course, you still have the option of proceeding. The term "consenting adults" means exactly that -- the two of you have every right to decide what's OK for you. Just be aware of the amount of baggage that can come with any affair where one person is still attached.

There can be a number of legitimate explanations, such as a pending divorce, but that's exactly the kind of information you want to know before doing the deed. In that instance, "Why did you break up?" is a reasonable query.

This isn't your first time, is it?

5.         Are You Married?

The image of a frenzied, psychopathic Glenn Close as Michael Douglas's spurned lover in "Fatal Attraction" had a generation of men thinking twice (or more) about their dalliances outside the home. Yet infidelity is still rampant, according to most reputable sources, even if the figures are wildly erratic. Clearly, celebrities and politicians have raised cheating to an art form, but what about the rest of us?

Most studies place the percentage of cheating spouses anywhere between 15 and 70 percent [source: Bowman]. A University of Texas study put the figure between 40 and 76 percent [source: Buss]. A March 2008 poll by USA Today reported that half of Americans knew someone who cheated on their spouse, a rate twice that of a similar 1964 poll [source: Jayson].

Don't expect your partner to advertise that he or she is actually still hitched. Deception is the very root of betrayal, and wedding rings and family photographs are easily concealed. Unless your partner is a veteran philanderer -- or a very good liar -- an honest and direct question can usually tip you off to his or her marital (or current relationship) status.

Once you've got your answer, of course, you still have the option of proceeding. The term "consenting adults" means exactly that -- the two of you have every right to decide what's OK for you. Just be aware of the amount of baggage that can come with any affair where one person is still attached.

There can be a number of legitimate explanations, such as a pending divorce, but that's exactly the kind of information you want to know before doing the deed. In that instance, "Why did you break up?" is a reasonable query.

This isn't your first time, is it?

4.         What's Your Sexual History?

In this day and age, you're not simply sleeping with a single person -- you're sleeping with everyone that person has slept with before you. That's the reality of the sexual revolution. In this era, exploration has often been encouraged, while the very act of "making love" has, according to some, been devalued as a result. While that's a decision each of us must make for ourselves, there's no doubt that our sexual experiences are part of our overall make-up.

The major concern, of course, is sexually transmitted diseases, or STDs. STDs date back to the beginning of mankind, and range from mildly irritating (such as scabies, pubic lice and Chlamydia) to painful (such as genital herpes and warts), to potentially lethal (from gonorrhea and syphilis to HIV and AIDS). That's a high price to pay for fleeting infatuation.

Remember, you have an absolute right to ask any potential partner if they've been tested for HIV or any other sexually transmitted diseases, or had relationships with anyone who has tested positive. Most partners will appreciate your concern and welcome a chance to talk about their own experiences. If not, that's a red flag. Anyone who is elusive, vague, or even resentful of this question ought to be treated with trepidation.

Last, but certainly not least, you should want to know if your partner is a virgin, since that initial experience can be daunting and bring its own set of challenges.

So, what are you in the mood for?

3.         What Kind of Sex Do You Enjoy?

Variety may be the spice of life, but it doesn't always fly between the sheets. Everyone has their own idea of adventurous -- and their own boundaries regarding what's permissible in bed. For example, one person's inclination for rough-and-tumble sex could be another's idea of violence. Conversely, "What is your fantasy?" is a perfectly legitimate question.

Better to ask beforehand, rather than spoil the mood once you've gotten past second base. There are many "types" of sex, depending on position, orifice and setting. Despite presidential denials, oral sex is still sex. So is anal sex. Bondage, leather and S&M (sadomasochism) are perfectly acceptable as long as both participants understand the parameters. Some people may even be OK with auto-erotic asphyxiation -- even though this particular practice is rife with risk, and has been linked to the deaths of celebrities ranging from actor David Carradine to INXS singer Michael Hutchinson.

Much of male and female sexual dysfunction is tied directly to performance anxiety, and that often has to do with expectations (known and unknown). The more details you can collect early on, the better prepared you are to have a mutually enjoyable experience.

On the positive side of the ledger, this type of question can make for stimulating conversation, creating an exquisite tension between partners and really heightening the mood once you're both ready to jump in the sack. That's a good thing.

You do have condoms, right?

2.         Are You Comfortable Practicing Safe Sex?

Recklessness has no place in the bedroom (or whatever location you deem appropriate). Yet, in their haste to hook up, many couples don't bother to ask this essential question. Safe sex, however, is much more than a simple maxim. It can save your life.

Plus, it's not enough that you've always practiced safe sex. You should know whether your partner has always done the same before you consider unprotected sex. Or whether they've had sex with a prostitute (a high-risk venture).

Being tested for HIV and AIDS is important, but by no means a guarantee, since the virus can avoid detection in its early stages (up to six months). Other STDs, such as genital herpes and genital warts, can be exchanged even though they're not readily apparent or active. Remember, condoms made from sheep intestines do not offer adequate protection against STDs [source: WebMD].

Perhaps the most honest question would be this: Do you prefer getting tested for HIV and other STDs, and then having a monogamous relationship, or using condoms each time we have sex? [source: HealthyPlace.com]. Of course, that might not sound incredibly alluring, but it's a fair question. And one you have every right to ask.

Can you say Mommy? Daddy?

1.     Are You Using Birth Control?

One of the most traditional pre-sex questions is still relevant today. Many babies come into this world as a result of unbridled libido, instead of careful planning. The adage that "baby makes three" only adheres to couples that stick together. Unfortunately, there will be those who try to pawn off their parental responsibilities.

At the very least, if parenthood isn't in your immediate plans, you should consider using some form of birth control (condoms for men, the pill, patch or cervical cap for women). Not only are condoms one of the best defenses against STDs, but they are also at the frontline to prevent unwanted pregnancies, especially when used in conjunction with another form of birth control.

Don't forget, there's some truth to the old joke: "What do they call couples who practice the rhythm method? Parents!" Pregnancy has been known to occur at almost any time during a woman's ovulation/menstrual cycle, so take precautions. "Pulling out" doesn't qualify.

If you're open to pregnancy, be sure to ask your partner, "How do you feel about commitment?" Or "What are your plans for the future?" If those questions kill the mood, maybe you ought to invest in birth control measures.

Again, carelessness is often an inadvertent byproduct of passion. Be responsible. Contrary to our initial fears, an open and frank discussion can improve, not inhibit, our sex lives.

Want to do some more research before asking the tough questions? We've got lots more information on the next page.

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