"Do Most Guys Care About Vagina Size?"

Do guys care about vagina size? Do most guys have a preference of large or small? My vagina is a little on the larger side, and I'm a tad self-conscious about it.

Does each vagina feel different? Of course. So do hands and thighs and feet and noses. But while most straight guys don’t fetishize noses or hands or thighs or feet, every straight guy loves what’s between a woman’s legs. So relax.

Every body is different. What feels good to one person might not feel so good to another. But, let’s be honest, even if common wisdom is that tighter is better, guys vary much more dramatically in genital size in ways that matter most. The difference is this: Guys tend to shrug off juvenile jokes about small dicks, but jokes about whether a woman is “tight” or “loose” tend to be more cruel, degrading, and loaded with moral judgment. Just remember that those jokes about “loose” women are coming from slut-shaming misogynists and not from, you know, doctors — or guys who actually like women.

There are always extreme cases that require medical attention — but standard-issue, self-conscious anxiety is drastically more common. And what are you going to do about it anyway? Have some painful-sounding cosmetic surgery? Do an hour of kegel exercises every day? As with most natural body-issue concerns, the only advice I can really give you is this: Work with what you’ve got. Being comfortable in your own skin is sexy. As I wrote to a woman worried about her breasts, “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”

I'm lucky. I have had a lot of very fun sex in my life. I'm nuts about my current boyfriend, but our sex life is not quite as fun/experimental/exciting as I'd like it to be. It's good, but a little vanilla, ya get me? I have tried to shake things up: a blow job in the car, sex in the restaurant bathroom, toys, new positions, but he's not so shakable, or game for that matter. Are great lovers born, or can they be made? And if the latter, how can I get my boyfriend to be a little more, you know, curious? I think I'd like to marry this guy — he's a rock star in every other way — but I gotta know he's able, or at least willing to try, to keep me on my toes in the bedroom (and maybe out of it sometimes too!).

I get ya. And I bet you can work this out. So here are a few ideas: First, when you’re with a long-term partner, you might want to think of sex as just one part of an ongoing conversation. So, while it’s great that you’re introducing all kinds of kinky fun (lucky man), you also need to be sure that you explain why you’re doing it — and what you’re missing out on. From where he’s sitting (say, driving that car with your head in his lap), he’s probably thinking he’s hit the jackpot. He might see you springing all these sexual surprises on him and think that you also couldn’t be more enthusiastic or happier. So tell him that you’re not as psyched as he might think; you want him to try a little harder.

There could be all sorts of miscommunication. Maybe he thinks that, because you’ve been so pro-active, that you like to be the aggressor every time. Maybe he thinks that you like him to be more passive. Or it could be something else altogether: Maybe he is not as experienced as you — and it will take him a while to get comfortable and catch up with you. Or it could be that he has a whole other set of things that turn him on. You should talk about it.

When you do talk, don’t just talk about this position, that toy, or that location. That’s all technical stuff that you can figure out on the fly. You want to get a little deeper and understand who he is sexually. This starts, I suppose, with whether he likes it rough or soft, dominant or submissive, kinky or vanilla — but it’s more about getting down to the root of what turns him on. Talk to him about his sexual history, to get a sense of where he’s been. What dynamics — beyond just the person, location, or maneuver — have really turned him on in the past? Has he been an old-school romantic with a slo-mo soft-focus idea of sex? Or do all of his first memories of sex involve sneaking around and getting naughty in the backseat? Does he like to push boundaries, as you do? Or does he like to keep it simple? Once you know, you can try to find ways to make his instincts and fantasies mesh with yours.

You ask, “Are great lovers born, or can they be made?” I think the answer here is the same as it is for basketball or writing or cooking or just about anything: We are each born with a certain amount of natural talent, but work and practice and instruction and collaboration certainly help. Your guy is lucky to have such a willing partner. But remember that being a great lover is about being responsive, so you have some work to do too.

My boyfriend just ended a 10-month relationship out of nowhere because he said he wasn't happy and then he moved out two days later. Some days I'm fine, and then some days I get reminded of the things we used to do and I'm bawling all over again. It doesn't help that I work with him. Any tips for moving past this in a healthy manner?

So far, it seems like you’re doing exactly the right thing: Crying. Are people telling you to “conceal, don’t feel”? Well, as the ice princess sings, “Let it go.”

It’s healthy to mourn the relationship; your repressed feelings will come out eventually. So cry till you’re dry: Ask for a “table for one” and weep. Order a single espresso and bawl. Drink from a Solo cup and break down. Sing along to a Taylor Swift song while sobbing in your car. Drink too much — for a couple of nights (with a good friend who can drive you home). Flirt with someone who is entirely wrong for you but who makes you feel wanted. Drunk-text an ex (preferably, one who lives far away). Complain to your friends, until they tell you, “Enough!”

But do lots of so-called healthy things too: Eat and sleep. Go for a jog or jump in the pool — anything to work out some of that stress. Ask your best friends for a little help and distraction; they’ll understand. Hit an impromptu happy hour with a few of them and call it “breakup drinks.” After a while, set up an online date. And remember that it could be so much worse. I know it’s hard, but at least it’s over. It’s always better to nurse a broken heart now than later.

If you feel like you do need some closure, ask him to talk, but do it outside of work and understand that any explanation probably isn’t going to be satisfying. We’re always searching for the great reason why a breakup happens: an affair, a character flaw, alcoholism, selfishness. Everyone knows someone who adored his or her partner while they were together, and then immediately demonized that ex after a breakup. But a lot of that’s just convenient projection. In reality, plenty of partners click — and then don’t. Often, the reasons we fall out of love are no more logical than the reasons we fell in love. It’s not just bullshit to say that it’s nobody’s fault. Often, it really isn’t. 

No doubt, it’s a pain in the ass that you two work together. So don’t do any of that sobbing at work. Either have your one postmortem with your ex or not, then keep your distance for a while. Don’t act out by flirting with someone else at work and don’t snoop. It’s over. You might want to ask him to keep his distance too. Guys have this idiotic, selfish habit of wanting to check in and make sure an ex is “cool,” but they’re generally motivated more by their own guilt than selfless goodwill. Remember that you have no responsibility to make him feel better about breaking up with you; your job is to take care of yourself. Let it go.

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